Four bad reasons to be kind to other people

Why are you kind? Why do you serve and demonstrate love to other people? Of course, the 'right' answer – certainly if you're a Christian – is that as follower of Christ you simply want to replicate his example. And even if you're not, there are definitely times when you decide to act kindly just because you want to be kind – because you're a nice person.

If we're really honest though, that's not always the case. Sometimes, our motives for being kind to other people are a little more mixed than that. It seems to me that there are a number of other possible reasons behind our desire to serve others. And while none of these reasons prevent good works from being accomplished, or people from benefiting from kind acts, they're not actually the type of kindness that Jesus calls us to in the gospels.

In Mark 9 v 35, Jesus invites us to become 'the very last... and the servant to all'. The kindness that he models (through washing the feet of his disciples and more) is one of submission and service to everyone around us - from our closest friends to the people we find most difficult. Jesus asks that we love one another for no other reason except that he is calling us to do it. So here are four other reasons why we might choose to be kind which – while they still might result in good being done – aren't directly following that example.

Kindness... because of how it makes me feel

Sometimes we decide to do a good thing for someone else because of how it makes us feel inside. We enjoy the warm fuzzy feelings of helping another person who is less fortunate than ourselves, whether that's by donating something we no longer need, giving a bit of money away, or helping an old lady to cross the road. There's nothing wrong with those things per se, or even the feelings of warmth and pleasure we get from serving another person. Sometimes though what we're really doing here is assuaging our own guilt about the privileges we enjoy. If you're wealthy, giving a bit of money away doesn't really involve any sacrifice; if you've finished with your old baby clothes, then handing them to a new mum comes at no cost to you. Again, none of these things are bad things to do – but if we're using them as a way of feeling better about ourselves, then that's not pure, Christ-like kindness.

Kindness... because other people are watching

I was once walking along with a well-known worship leader near to where I worked at the time. Ahead of us, slumped in the doorway of a cafe, I saw the figure of a homeless man who I had passed hundreds of times before. In all those occasions, I may have stopped to buy him a coffee twice. This time however, I knew the well-known worship leader was watching. I stopped us in front of the man, engaged him in warm conversation, and bought him a sandwich from the cafe. I hoped the well-known worship leader would be impressed, and tell other famous worship leaders of this extraordinary Christ-like kindness that he had witnessed. Perhaps on some level I hoped he would write a song about me, or at the very least add me to the sleeve notes of his next album. Neither of these things happened.

In Matthew 6 v 1, Jesus says, 'Be careful not to practise your righteousness in front of others to be seen by them.' He knew what he was talking about, and I had totally failed that test. We all have an innate desire to impress others, to be thought of as good and moral people. Yet if this becomes the motivation for our kind acts, then we're not truly kind, but a bit manipulative.

Kindness... because of what we might get in return

Then sometimes, we actually have quite selfish motives for being kind. There are situations and occasions where we know that if we do something, we'll get something in return. We basically put ourselves in someone else's debt, so that at some point they'll pay us back. As a child, I learned that it was much more profitable for me to be helpful around the house, or to offer to wash the car or mow the lawn in the week directly after my father had been paid. A week earlier, and all I'd get was a word of thanks and a ruffle of the hair. If I was 'kind' when my dad was flush with cash, I might get a couple of pounds for my trouble.

Yes, I was an abhorrent child, and was subsequently washed in the redeeming blood of Christ in order that I might slowly become transformed into the bastion of virtue you now see before you. But my hunch is that lots of us still do this sort of thing, if in slightly less machiavellian ways. Offering to babysit for someone so that they'll feel obliged to return the favour, or even – and let's be honest, we've all done this – buying a round early so that it won't be your turn when more people arrive. This isn't kindness for its own sake, but for ours.

Kindness... for strategic reasons

Then as Christians, known as we are for our fabulous do-gooding (a double-edged insult if ever there was one), we even theologise our mixed motives. Sometimes we behave kindly for strategic reasons, serving others in order that they might realise there is something different about us, and begin to ask questions. In fact, there have been a number of huge social action missions in the UK over the last 15 years which all had this central idea at their heart. Young Christians descend on a town or city, and begin clearing gardens, painting walls and putting on 'fun days' for the local community. None of these things are bad, and all offer an opportunity to love and serve others. The problem is when our kindness is only offered because we're hoping for a particular response from those who receive it. Strategic kindness is still loving others on our terms.

I also realise that quite often, we just do kind things because we're kind people. But I use these examples to illustrate what Christian service ISN'T.

It's not about feeling good about ourselves

It's not about looking good in front of other people

It's not about what you might get in return

It's not even about being strategically kind so that people might respond.

Christian service is simply enacting the Big Idea of the Kingdom of God – where everyone looks out for and cares for everyone else – and an act of worship and obedience to Jesus. In fact, in some way it's also an act of service to Jesus himself. In Matthew 25, he famously says, 'truly I tell you whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine you did for me.' As Graham Kendrick once wrote in his song The Servant King: 'Let us learn how to serve... each other's needs to prefer, for it is Christ we're serving.'