Cracking The Christian Code: A Guide For Newbies

Becoming a Christian is like crossing a border into a new country under a different identity. It takes time to work out who you are now, and it also takes time to learn the nuances of the way your fellow citizens think and behave. Some of it is pretty mysterious, some frankly a bit odd, some well-meaning but misguided. Every culture has its quirks. The trick is not to let it put you off when you first arrive, because if you stay the course it will stop seeming so strange and it might even become your new normal. In the meantime, here is a brief guide to help you integrate in the early days:

How and when do Christians touch each other? The key here is to become self-conscious and slightly awkward. Christians do touch each other, but never in a carefree manner. Some ways you may be touched, particular to Christians, include the prolonged hand shake, the side hug (usually from young-ish men who consider themselves attractive), the heavy hand on shoulder during prayer, the clasp to large bosom if you seem a bit sad, and the encouraging back pat from the mature gentlemen.

How do you know when a prayer session is over? There are clues to watch out for if the person in charge hasn't said at the start that they will "close in prayer", but the best thing to do is to listen out for shuffling and throat clearing. Have a peep and if the majority are sitting up straight with their eyes open, you are heading to the end. It won't actually be over until everyone is in this posture, so don't talk yet.

When and how much do Christians drink? This varies according to Christian sub-tribe, but safe to assume most Christians don't openly admit to binge drinking or deliberately getting drunk. Among British Christians, as opposed to American for example, moderate drinking is not taboo, and you may well find yourself on a post-church pub trip, where it would be perfectly acceptable to have a pint (of beer, not spirits).

Are there any words I need to know? There is a whole lexicon associated with your new culture. Some words you will be familiar with but you'll find used in a different way or with far more frequency, such as 'grace', 'blessing' or 'worship'. Other words, like 'atonement', 'redemption' or 'sacrament' are more outlandish and have complex meanings, so wise to steer clear of these at first.

How do Christians do conflict? Christians struggle with conflict, partly due to a mistaken belief we must be nice at all times, partly because we try not to judge each other but we are still human so we do, and partly because we are a bit afraid of anger and the damage it might inflict. You might at first think there is no conflict but you'll soon notice signs. Look out for a lack of eye contact, a tight-lipped smile or a pointed reference in a prayer. Do your best not to adopt bad Christian conflict habits.

Will I be expected to have my Bible with me at all times? No, few Christians take their Bible to church let alone to work or the gym. If you are part of a church small group, you will look good if you take it to that though. And lots of people have some kind of Bible app on their phone.

There are few things more exciting for Christians than welcoming new believers into the community of faith. If you try and hide your newness you will take away our fun, so take your time to settle in and feel free to laugh (kindly) at the oddness you encounter. Your perspective is a gift.

Jo Swinney is an author, speaker and editor of Preach Magazine. She has a Masters in Theology from Regent College, Vancouver, and lives in South West London with her vicar husband and their two little girls.