The Bishop of London's farewell service at St Paul's.
Now the Bishop of London has said "goodbye", the Church will soon advertise the job. Christian Today has decided to help out. Here are 50 vital tips to help you decide whether you have the gifts to be the next Richard Chartres.
1. The ability to work miracles. Real ones. While believing totally in science.
2. You must manifest all the gifts of the Spirit listed in 1 Corinthians 12 except speaking in tongues – that would be suspect.
3. You will have mastered the art of ordaining women while not ordaining them.
4. Likewise with gays.
5. You are up with the "young" – ie you use Instagram, Snapchat, YouTube and Houseparty all at the very same time – while not upsetting your own children or the comms staff at Church House.
6. You have a wondrous ability to talk to the Royal Family – but never ever say a word about them.
7. You can communicate everything important to any congregation in a single monosyllable such as "er".
8. You can deliver very long sentences packed with sub-clauses and multi-syllabic words such as "Augustinian" and "patriarchal" while actually saying absolutely nothing at all.
9. You talk about God the whole time. And Jesus. But you absolutely never say "Oh God!"
10. "Oh Heavens!" is permitted from time to time.
11. You are fluent in Russian, Arabic, Punjabi, Biblical Hebrew, modern Hebrew, classical Greek and modern Greek. Alternatively, you are familiar with Google Translate. No need to worry about Latin any more though.
12. You can quote from the 1552 Book of Common Prayer. It's not enough just to know the 1662.
13. But you never admit to having having read, used or liked in any form the 1980 Alternative Service Book, let alone having served on one of the committees responsible for its formulation.
14. Are you common enough for Common Worship?
15. You understand when and how to make the Sign of the Cross in Orthodox and Catholic Churches. And what to do when evangelicals are watching you do this.
14. You have done or are willing to do at least one Music And Worship course at the London School of Theology. You know at least three chords on the guitar. You know which three.
1. The ability to work miracles. Real ones. While believing totally in science.
2. You must manifest all the gifts of the Spirit listed in 1 Corinthians 12 except speaking in tongues – that would be suspect.
3. You will have mastered the art of ordaining women while not ordaining them.
4. Likewise with gays.
5. You are up with the "young" – ie you use Instagram, Snapchat, YouTube and Houseparty all at the very same time – while not upsetting your own children or the comms staff at Church House.
6. You have a wondrous ability to talk to the Royal Family – but never ever say a word about them.
7. You can communicate everything important to any congregation in a single monosyllable such as "er".
8. You can deliver very long sentences packed with sub-clauses and multi-syllabic words such as "Augustinian" and "patriarchal" while actually saying absolutely nothing at all.
9. You talk about God the whole time. And Jesus. But you absolutely never say "Oh God!"
10. "Oh Heavens!" is permitted from time to time.
11. You are fluent in Russian, Arabic, Punjabi, Biblical Hebrew, modern Hebrew, classical Greek and modern Greek. Alternatively, you are familiar with Google Translate. No need to worry about Latin any more though.
12. You can quote from the 1552 Book of Common Prayer. It's not enough just to know the 1662.
13. But you never admit to having having read, used or liked in any form the 1980 Alternative Service Book, let alone having served on one of the committees responsible for its formulation.
14. Are you common enough for Common Worship?
15. You understand when and how to make the Sign of the Cross in Orthodox and Catholic Churches. And what to do when evangelicals are watching you do this.
14. You have done or are willing to do at least one Music And Worship course at the London School of Theology. You know at least three chords on the guitar. You know which three.
'"You know at least three chords on the guitar. You know which three."
15. You have mastered the saintly attribute of translocation and can therefore visit every parish and speak to every vicar in your diocese in the first six months.
16. You know the name of every archdeacon in your own and each neighbouring diocese, especially Southwark. You already know exactly what if anything they know about you, and who does and does not care about faculties. You don't care about them much but you pretend you do, especially to your chancellor.
17. If you can't face learning the names of all your clergy, in London you can simply call them 'Father'. The women too. Go on, we dare you.
18. You have a working acquaintance with the key operatives of the City of London police, the Metropolitan police and all the security services. Be prepared to watch them as hard as they'll be watching you.
19. You can talk about how God loves both Jeremy Corbyn and Donald Trump, and can see the good in them in spite of their regrettably manifest flaws. But secretly, you're wondering who's really in charge at the moment.
20. You understand how women's shoes work and why they are important.
21. You are married to a member of the opposite sex, and have children.
22. You might be gay. This does not necessarily negate 21.
23. You have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ
24. Do you know about Gog and Magog, the idols kept at the Guildhall in the City of London that lead the procession in the annual Lord Mayor's Show? Best find out sooner rather than later.
16. You know the name of every archdeacon in your own and each neighbouring diocese, especially Southwark. You already know exactly what if anything they know about you, and who does and does not care about faculties. You don't care about them much but you pretend you do, especially to your chancellor.
17. If you can't face learning the names of all your clergy, in London you can simply call them 'Father'. The women too. Go on, we dare you.
18. You have a working acquaintance with the key operatives of the City of London police, the Metropolitan police and all the security services. Be prepared to watch them as hard as they'll be watching you.
19. You can talk about how God loves both Jeremy Corbyn and Donald Trump, and can see the good in them in spite of their regrettably manifest flaws. But secretly, you're wondering who's really in charge at the moment.
20. You understand how women's shoes work and why they are important.
21. You are married to a member of the opposite sex, and have children.
22. You might be gay. This does not necessarily negate 21.
23. You have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ
24. Do you know about Gog and Magog, the idols kept at the Guildhall in the City of London that lead the procession in the annual Lord Mayor's Show? Best find out sooner rather than later.
Sermons: Keep them short and holy, and know when to deliver a 'homily' intead
25. Sermons. Short and holy, unless you're called Rowan Williams, when long and holy is the rule. It's quite a good idea never to write them down or put them on YouTube. That way you can repeat them and no-one need ever know.
26. You have a theological argument for why you prefer Benedict to Francis.
27. You have a spiritual argument for why you prefer Francis to Benedict.
28. You are on Twitter and Facebook but you don't follow Donald Trump and you never tweet or comment on anyone's status. It's probably best if you don't actually read your own Twitter feed.
29. If you're having a bad day, read the Twitter feed of @JustinWelby and pray for him.
30. Never wear a clerical collar.
31. Always wear a clerical collar. Never refer to yours or anyone else's as a dog collar.
32. Always wear a black cassock shirt
33. Always wear a light blue cassock shirt
34. Never wear a bright pink cassock shirt
35. Learn the difference between a chasuble, amice, cincture, dalmatic, cassock alb, surplice, soutane and stole.
36. If in Italy visiting the Pope, would you order zucchetti or zucchetto for dinner? That's what we would ask you if we were on your interview committee.
37. Do you know the difference between east and west and why it matters which way you pray?
38. Learn to sprinkle that aspergillum and swing that thurible. You'll never be as bishopy as Richard Chartres but you will be expected to try, just so congregations can grumble that you're not as bishopy as Richard Chartres.
39. Know the difference between Shia and Sunni, when a temple is not a temple but a synagogue, when a Reform Jew is a liberal and when they are a conservative, and why it is all so different in America.
40. You can discern at a glance when a church is not a church any more but a block of flats, or when is still a church but not consecrated as a church because it's owned by a trust or Andrew Lloyd Webber or something that means you can still use it as a church but not put on musicals ...... oh I give up. But you can't give up. Ever.
41. Develop a relationship with former Times editor Simon Jenkins and study his books so you can talk knowledgeably about the historic merits of all your medieval churches and cathedrals and know more about places such as Salisbury, Ely and Winchester than their own bishops do.
42. Of course you know the difference between St Paul's Cathedral and Westminster Abbey. Don't you? One is yours and one is the Queen's. It's all rather Peculiar.
43. Actually St Paul's is not yours either. It belongs to the Dean. Oh alright, and the Chapter too. Even though you live in the Old Deanery. You have to knock very loudly even to be allowed in. Three times. But at least you don't have to pay. At least not if you're going in to pray. Which you will need to do often.
44. If a terror group bombs one of your historic churches into smithereens, don't for even a microsecond feel secretly relieved you have one less building to worry about it. Raise the cash to rebuild it as fast as possible, even if you suspect that Jesus would rather you spend the money on building houses for the poor.
45. Talking of St Paul's, it's worth becoming familiar with the works of John Donne. But be very, very careful which bits you quote in sermons.
46. As so many of your churches in London are used for meetings of 12-step fellowships such as Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous, you must be "with the programme" – but preferably but not "on" it. Not in "that" way anyway. You must certainly believe in a "Higher Power" but make no bones about it – this can't be "Good Orderly Direction" or any other such syncretistic nonsense. It must be Jesus Christ.
47. Sometimes, you might have to talk to journalists. Be brave. After all, Jesus supped with sinners. Then there's always Luther Pendragon so it's not completely hopeless.
48. Learn some good jokes but never use the joke about the bishop who says: "There's something wrong with this microphone" and the congregation that replies: "And also with you." This betrays familiarity with the ASB (See 13). Resist the temptation to repeat that joke about the Church of England being like a swimming pool, with all the noise being at the shallow end. If you use this one, you are doomed.
49. Do you know the difference between St Paul's Knightsbridge, All Saints Margaret Street, St Helen's Bishopsgate, Holy Trinity Brompton, the Vineyard churches and Hillsong? Do you know which are CofE and which are not? Do you understand in which ones you preach a homily and in which ones, a sermon? Do you know who among your friends and colleagues is a conservative evangelical, a charismatic evangelical, a liberal Catholic, an Anglican-Catholic? Or do you secretly pretend these differences do not exist or matter? Surely even you can't truly honestly believe that we are all just "middle of the road" Anglicans.
50. General Synod. 'Nuff said. Welby and Sentamu will tell you that you have to go. They might want you there to keep them company. It's pretty lonely on that top table. But actually you need never go. All the real work is done these days by the Archbishops' Council, and you're not an Archbishop. Yet. Read and learn these 50 tips, though, and you might be one day. Good luck, God bless, and prayers. You're gonna need them!
26. You have a theological argument for why you prefer Benedict to Francis.
27. You have a spiritual argument for why you prefer Francis to Benedict.
28. You are on Twitter and Facebook but you don't follow Donald Trump and you never tweet or comment on anyone's status. It's probably best if you don't actually read your own Twitter feed.
29. If you're having a bad day, read the Twitter feed of @JustinWelby and pray for him.
30. Never wear a clerical collar.
31. Always wear a clerical collar. Never refer to yours or anyone else's as a dog collar.
32. Always wear a black cassock shirt
33. Always wear a light blue cassock shirt
34. Never wear a bright pink cassock shirt
35. Learn the difference between a chasuble, amice, cincture, dalmatic, cassock alb, surplice, soutane and stole.
36. If in Italy visiting the Pope, would you order zucchetti or zucchetto for dinner? That's what we would ask you if we were on your interview committee.
37. Do you know the difference between east and west and why it matters which way you pray?
38. Learn to sprinkle that aspergillum and swing that thurible. You'll never be as bishopy as Richard Chartres but you will be expected to try, just so congregations can grumble that you're not as bishopy as Richard Chartres.
39. Know the difference between Shia and Sunni, when a temple is not a temple but a synagogue, when a Reform Jew is a liberal and when they are a conservative, and why it is all so different in America.
40. You can discern at a glance when a church is not a church any more but a block of flats, or when is still a church but not consecrated as a church because it's owned by a trust or Andrew Lloyd Webber or something that means you can still use it as a church but not put on musicals ...... oh I give up. But you can't give up. Ever.
41. Develop a relationship with former Times editor Simon Jenkins and study his books so you can talk knowledgeably about the historic merits of all your medieval churches and cathedrals and know more about places such as Salisbury, Ely and Winchester than their own bishops do.
42. Of course you know the difference between St Paul's Cathedral and Westminster Abbey. Don't you? One is yours and one is the Queen's. It's all rather Peculiar.
43. Actually St Paul's is not yours either. It belongs to the Dean. Oh alright, and the Chapter too. Even though you live in the Old Deanery. You have to knock very loudly even to be allowed in. Three times. But at least you don't have to pay. At least not if you're going in to pray. Which you will need to do often.
44. If a terror group bombs one of your historic churches into smithereens, don't for even a microsecond feel secretly relieved you have one less building to worry about it. Raise the cash to rebuild it as fast as possible, even if you suspect that Jesus would rather you spend the money on building houses for the poor.
45. Talking of St Paul's, it's worth becoming familiar with the works of John Donne. But be very, very careful which bits you quote in sermons.
46. As so many of your churches in London are used for meetings of 12-step fellowships such as Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous, you must be "with the programme" – but preferably but not "on" it. Not in "that" way anyway. You must certainly believe in a "Higher Power" but make no bones about it – this can't be "Good Orderly Direction" or any other such syncretistic nonsense. It must be Jesus Christ.
47. Sometimes, you might have to talk to journalists. Be brave. After all, Jesus supped with sinners. Then there's always Luther Pendragon so it's not completely hopeless.
48. Learn some good jokes but never use the joke about the bishop who says: "There's something wrong with this microphone" and the congregation that replies: "And also with you." This betrays familiarity with the ASB (See 13). Resist the temptation to repeat that joke about the Church of England being like a swimming pool, with all the noise being at the shallow end. If you use this one, you are doomed.
49. Do you know the difference between St Paul's Knightsbridge, All Saints Margaret Street, St Helen's Bishopsgate, Holy Trinity Brompton, the Vineyard churches and Hillsong? Do you know which are CofE and which are not? Do you understand in which ones you preach a homily and in which ones, a sermon? Do you know who among your friends and colleagues is a conservative evangelical, a charismatic evangelical, a liberal Catholic, an Anglican-Catholic? Or do you secretly pretend these differences do not exist or matter? Surely even you can't truly honestly believe that we are all just "middle of the road" Anglicans.
50. General Synod. 'Nuff said. Welby and Sentamu will tell you that you have to go. They might want you there to keep them company. It's pretty lonely on that top table. But actually you need never go. All the real work is done these days by the Archbishops' Council, and you're not an Archbishop. Yet. Read and learn these 50 tips, though, and you might be one day. Good luck, God bless, and prayers. You're gonna need them!
If you can't learn the names of all your clergy, you can simply call them 'Father'. The women too? Go on, we dare you.
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